CHOCOLATE DIARIES

the butterfly returns

2010-08-31T20:45:00.002-04:00

a very lovely friend said 'write and release'.. well it wasn't exactly in those words but im sure yall get the point hehe

wow i cant believe i actually just shut it down, sent the dump letter and bid adieu to my chocolate diaries. I allowed my paranoia and extreme desire for privacy to let me feel exposed and open. which is funny because no one forced me to write a blog or to share my thoughts.. a funny oxymoron way of thinking..

looking over all the posts from the past though have tickled, churned, and jogged my tummy. some posts however have made me remember things better left forgotten, but all in all its nice to see where i once was, and where i am now. how beautiful it is to overcome, grow, and all in all move on..

so! okay im glad to be back and look forward to an expression of chocolaty yumminess once more.. shout outs to the lady who speaks 1st! my rebirth is dedicated to u..

hmm side thought.. i think ill call my next post the rebirth hehe :D

words can't explain.............

2009-02-03T00:31:00.003-05:00

Every time i try to pretend that it doesn't bother me. I'm reminded how much it does.. little insignificant things remind me, but the point is i'm still reminded.
almost even blamed myself because of the confusion, scratching my brain to comprehend my illusions.
If I lie and say I'm over the disappointment, I would only be be fooling myself. Everyday that passes and Its just more silence it feels sadder and sadder to me.
everyday I look to see if maybe there will be a change or attempt, but nope guess my little life isn't important.
How quickly things change
How abrupt things end
what happens when you've said all you can say?

YOU ARE LOVE

2008-07-23T22:49:00.002-04:00

I stare in you

I feel in you

I share in you

I submerge in you

I crave in you

I shine in you

I feed in you

I am in you

You are love!

experiences

2008-07-17T18:39:00.002-04:00

..... so im watching some soldier movie and it has me thinking about things..

Its so weird how you can be in the same environment with other people and have no idea what they feel or have experienced. I mean i was in the USAF for 4yrs but i watch this movie and im as lost as the next person who doesn't even know what USAF stands for.. im like wow some of these folks are really jacked up, what was so different from their experience and mine??
i dont wake up sweating..
i don't have problems sleeping..
its not hard to adapt in the "real" world
etc...etc...
shit i barely even think about it...most people dont even know i ever did it..
i live like it never happened..just a simple phase in life..

High school..
was i a geek or something?? cuz i sure as helll dont have the kind stories some people do..
im like was my high school just lame or was i lame *confused*
i mean i played sports i was popular but errrrrr only thing i can remember was maybe a cpl crushes etc..
come to think of it, most of my experiences that were interesting during high school, had nothing to do with high school. it was outside of it.. actually same goes for the military too. I just lived a double life and separated the two.

hmm life and all its experiences!!

Therapy

2008-07-15T13:00:00.002-04:00

Girlfriends

Sun Shine

Swimming

Popsicles

Pizza

Wine

chocolates..

Yes this is THERAPY!

So I had all this yesterday and boy was it worth it..

Think this needs to become a weekly/bi-weekly routine for the summer.

silence

2008-07-11T18:43:00.003-04:00

I have nothing to say.....

I am surrounded by noise........

and all I need is SILENCE!

I have nothing to prove.....

U have nothing to gain................

So why cant all of you just be SILENT!

Do u like the sound of your voice..............

or the way it deals............

Have u learned the art of SILENCE!

I wont say to much................

there's not much to say...........

from now on, ill just be SILENT!

Midnight cravings Pt2 (hello ty)

2008-07-01T00:43:00.000-04:00

12:43am

tic - toc

tic - toc

tic - toc

I look at you, looking at me.

With that same look you did early this morning.

tic - toc

once again my midnight cravings have come to haunt me, taunt me, and make my night miserable...

I see how u tease me

laugh at me cuz im so weak

you're just like my chocolate diary

smooth and sweet

let me pour out all my frustrations

not saying a word or a peep...

tic - toc

tic - toc

Actually its turned into soft buzzes the sound soothing my ears to sleep.

indulging in my midnight craving is such a beautiful thing.

tic - toc

12:51am

yea.. :)

First of the month

2008-07-01T00:19:00.000-04:00

Wake up wake up wake up its the.......

yess ohhhh get up get up and cash your checks and common..

Gosh i used to love this song!!!

funny thing is i dont think most people understand what the song is about...
for all my nickel and dime sellers..my kpomers out there and most of all this song will not exist without you my peeps on welfare..

1st of the month is time to go cash that gov't cheese go get that stuff and fat up the dough boys pockets...

BUttttttttttttttttt for the rest of us who aren't so lucky... lol....we will be paying rent amongst other bills..

Oh the day when the 1st of the month is the same as the 15th or the 20th..no bills, no financial responsibilities...just livin it up free to run around nekid hehhehe

so im feeling like a kid again..going round and round swimming in my own thoughts, fantasies, and worries. I have this thing were i just escape my self sometimes and everything and everyone around me is make believe. Sooner or later tho i snap out of it and the harsh realities of life come tumbling down on me again..
I have this urge to just get away, i really wanna get away. where to? Iono, just wanna up and leave. I think i actually have a problem with staying put in one place because growing up till about the age of 23 I never stayed in one place. From 0-10 we moved btwn Chicago and Houston off and on.. Then went off to London for 5yrs but traveled allot while i was there... anyway in btwn went to naija then back to chi..then houston again, New Orleans.. Portugal, Va then finally now Ga!

phewww thats allot huh.. and no I am not a military brat go figure..

so do yall think all that has something to do with why i can't stay put, I just dont feel permanent anywhere.. im always ready to move on to the next place.
Ehnn oh well..

Sunshine Sunday

2008-06-29T15:11:00.000-04:00

Roses and petals, strawberries and kisses..

sunshine and loving, good friends with good wishes....

words from above, sweet feelings and hugs...

these are my SUNSHINE SUNDAYS!!

Okay hang over is finally over!

My akanni me precious readers.. i do apologize for the jumbled words of my last blog.. i was somewhat out of it when i wrote it as im sure all my typo's and rantings showed.

lol it was kind of funny tho, cuz i dont remember even writing it or how i turned on the computer, logged in to the internet, and then my blog. heeehehehhe

*children stay away from alcohol*

back to my SS(sunshine sunday duh)....gosh yall are so slow

spoke to my mom 2day.. MAN i miss her like something stupid! She is soo amazing, my inspiration my friend, my confidant, my adviser. Sometimes i try to feel what she feels, cuz her love is so deep that i can feel it all the way from Naija.

My Best friend just gave birth to a baby girl and is about to also start this journey of mother and child...
wow im so happy for her and cant wait to watch this lil wonder grow...

So someone asked me.... what about yours ....lol...umm my what??

baby...? Na not now.. the thought of being pregnant, raising kids right now. well umm yea it doesnt make me like leap and scoot around a room... more like it makes me frown and hold my stomach in pain.. lol

im sure all that will change soon, at least b4 i turn 30 hmmmm thats not that far away..eekkkkk..

Sunshine Sundays... so the guys are watching some boring football (soccer) game I mean it aint Aresenal..my team Chelsea... Or ManU playing...or Naija.. so whats the point??? ehhn whatever..at least there is food and drinks :D :D

So i wore this dress after church right..but i didn't realize until after i went out that it was see throughhhhhhhhh ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

no wonder folks were looking at me smiling.. they could see my yellow and pink underwear :(

oh well... yall know im an undercover exhibitionists :)

aight gotta go get some grub..

Enjoy your Sunshine Sunday...SMOOCHES

TIME OUTTTT!!!

2008-06-28T02:04:00.000-04:00

i went out for drinks so shit anytnng foes...lol.... i write whaat i fell and i feel what i write. NO questions adsked!!

so

yhu my friwnd are ojn time frwaking OUT and u know u are too!

i mean what the hell..... is it so hard for u to respond i mean really!??? well! no shakings i go jusy leave u be.

sonce i am bugging u anmd all, ill leave u alone!

i mean wait shebe u....

oh crap im sleepy
nevermnfd

sha dont talke to me!!!! u are on time OUT!!!!

YOUR ACCESS..MUST WATCH

2008-06-27T10:52:00.000-04:00

He caught me

2008-06-26T23:54:00.000-04:00

I was a junior in high school in Tx. It was one of the biggest games of the school year. Elkins vs Hastings bball finals. This game always packs out the biggest crowds and has the best after parties.
Now in my high school days ehnn i was one of the popular cool cats but still that didnt mean i didnt have crushes or that i didnt have a "so called rep" to maintain or a 'imma cool diva image" that i liked to put across.
With that being said, there is always that one guy who has u weak and nervous scared to ever look stupid or crazy in front of him..

Funny thing was my "guy" was not even a stranger, as a matter of fact we were close friends and dated for a cool minute.

Now back to the story.. so me and my girls are getting ready for the game and looking sooo utter fly, we're about to head out to the jeep when my moms is like oh "lemme drop u, your uncle needs to borrow your car" Im like wtf....hell TO THE MUTHA NAH!! so if u drop us off how do u expect us to get to my gf mom's shop (which was walking distance away)...walk?? Fuck no!! who walk's anywhere after the elkins/hastings game?? Especially not popular cool athlete ME!!! What if someone see's me? What if "MR" see's me?? EEKkkk at the thought.

(wow i now see how childish and shallow we high schoolers were) SMH

so our choices, walk back, or dont go.. shit i guess we just gonna have to walk, cus i need Mr to see me in this fly outfit and eat his heart out!

So game is cool, place was packed out, everyone was fly..i was fly, My MR saw me and I know he was like DAMN :D
I fronted and gave the " hey what up nod" hehehehe i was feeling too cool with myself. Now me and the girls had already decided to leave a cpl minutes early while everyone was doing parking lot pimping.. both schools hasting and elsik share the same plot of land, divided by fences.. so we're gonna cut through the back, hop the fence, cut around the school, take the ally and be home free to my friends mom shop. It was a great plan. No one would see us.

As we begin our journey.. we get thru the meadows safe, get to the fence and Lawd its a big ass fence, of course one of me caliantes couldn't make it over cuz her fat ass feet got stuck in the holes. needless to say we eventually pulled her over.. then the other chica decides she cant hold it any longer and pee's in the middle of the field.. lol it was a sight to behold.

aight we make it to the back of the school and about to approach the ally.. but we gotta cross over the busy road first which all the leavers from the game will probably be taking.. Shit as long as Mr dont see me, im str8!

we made it in the ally and im talking my smack like yea man we did it and no one saw us bla bla we so cool hah hahaha.. just as i was opening my big trap and about to walk past the back gate of an apartment..I see bright lights in my eyes, a car abruptly stops in front of me and BAM!!!! its guess who.. "MR" he looks at me like "what the hell u doing walking in the ally/ is that who i think it is" and i look at him like just hit me and die...

Oh the shameeeeeeee oh the embarrassment of that time.. then to make matters worse he shakes his head and drives off. arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... couldnt even offer me and my friends a ride. (even tho i would have refused)

My lil pride was wounded for a second but i got over it.

Its so funny when i look back on this story cuz its so childish and not even a big deal at all.. but at that time it was like so serious....lol ...kids

Bloated (So)

2008-06-26T23:31:00.000-04:00

So since you decided to leave me hanging once again (u know who the feck u are too)

I have been thrust back into my blog world..

so is it joblessness, boredom, idleness, or curiosity that has me writing instead of doing something more productive??

I guess ALL of the above plus I'm BLOATED!

I dunno how that happened when all I had was a dble cheeseburger, ceasar salad, and baked potato.

So im laying in bed with my orange panties and knee highs with as usual the sudden urge to run outside and scream im free!!!

anyone who knows me well, im sure has heard of my "run naked and be free" obsession.

One of these days i just need to stop being a dorkbreath and do it.. Shit whats the worst that can happen?? Get locked up?? That's nothing, everyone's been to jail at least once............. lol............i think

so... I finally got to speak to him the other day and it was well worth every second of it.. out of 100..you always occupy 99 of me...sigh..sigh...sigh..

so...some people say somethings and act a different way, is it that they just said what they said at that moment because it seemed right or convenient? Or do they say it because they mean it but don't know how to match what they say with actions? Well as for me, im not sure I like that much seeing as I am a very open person both with words and action...cant be feeling all confused trying to figure folk out man.. its this or that... no in between or when i feel like it...or when it suites me..

so.................. this summer is so very different from last summer im trying to understand if its really the economy/ recession or am I just broke??

I need a number from each person who reads this, im gonna play them on the next lotto tkt..see if i dont win bishes!!

SO.... well its not midnight yet, but it looks like there will be no midnight cravings for me tonight. Or desires. Just good ol bloatingness (sharrap its a word)

So.... hmm i feel like telling an old story..lemme start a new post..

Midnight cravings

2008-06-26T01:27:00.000-04:00

tic toc

tic toc

tic toc

you know, this really sucks..............so I watch the clock as it goes

tic-toc

tic-toc

this seems to be the worst hour of the 24hrs..when my midnight cravings start to kick in and always when i have NO way of endulging them.

midnight cravings...

ice cream
chocolates
strawberry's
wine
cuddles
good movie
more cuddles
sex
lots of sex

on the occasional midnight..dancing (pole dancing/sexy be naughty for a night kinda dancing that is)

oh these bloody midnight cravings!!

tic-toc
tic-toc
tic-toc

Im starting to want more attention and i dont like it! I dont like being vulnerable dammit!

oh these bloody midnight cravings

im going to sleep!

Closer

2008-06-25T14:40:00.001-04:00

Since this weekend this is how i feel....................................

Desire

2008-06-25T13:59:00.000-04:00

urghhh!

its eating away at my insides

taking over my mind and soul...

i need it, she's got to have it, give it to me now kinda of feeling!

if i could just get my hands on it i will devour without looking back.

im just salivating at the thought...

and the reminiscent smell is tickling my nose

dont u want me too, i ask?

What do i have to say to make u be mine...

I want to have you all to myself...

alone in the room with the lights off

candles lit, and soft music.

Then after its over

sleep

satisfaction

serenity

GOSH IM SO FUCKING HUNGRY!!!

overwhelming

2008-06-24T00:01:00.000-04:00

what an experience!!

In one weekend i felt all of these feelings at random times...

exhausted... driving almost 14 hrs is madness! wont do that again wtf was i thinking!?

excited........anticipating what was to come had me feeling all giddy :)

nervous ....i guess its normal to feel this when in less than 24hrs, its me, mic, and hundreds of peeps staring at me.

angry...............u would be too if your car got towed

irritated.............NYC is a crazy place but its worse when u aren't from there and have no clue what's going on.

confused..............well, this emotion for many reasons so many freaking reasons..arghhhhh

happy........ why not too many reasons, shit so many freaking reason..argghhhhh

humbled.............wasn't expecting such love and response from the people.

And lastly..................... Overwhelmed.............the entire experience, the good, bad, was all just..........

Overwhelming!!

So I am now a blogger...........

2008-04-06T19:14:00.000-04:00

wow this is interesting, I (butterfly) am now a blogger.
what does this mean exactly?? Im not completely sure but after reading a few blogs i guess it means I can have an internet space where I can rant, express, pour out whatever is on my mind...

and if thats not what blogs are for oh well, i guess im off to the wrong start..

I've always heard of people having blogs and so on but I was never interested in them until now..

why now, I guess cuz ive been jobless and bored lately and one day on a forum someone mentioned reading a friend of mines blog.. so i went to the link and read it too. Was pretty cool, from there i learned that allot of my friends had blogs and i realized i wasn't in the loop.

so now im in the loop yay! :D
let the blogging begin

so like i guess i might get a reader or two yea? hmm thats cool... if u happen to stumble on my chocolate diary feel free to drop me a line or two...

okay so thats my introduction
till next time
love, peace, and hair grease

Its always because of you..........